Text Conversations 2019

Rule 1 of digital communication: there are no rules. Digitally, everyone communicates differently. Your rules will be closely aligned with those in your age range.

For example, my buddy Adam’s grandma comments on Facebook in all CAPS. We think it’s hilarious. Of course, older people tend to talk louder if their hearing deteriorates. If that’s why she’s doing it, it’s even more funny.

Needless to say, if you’re not in your 80s yet, you shouldn’t text or comment in all CAPS. Here are more unwritten rules of the digital world:

1. When sending a text message, consider how it will be received.
2. Don’t Facetime someone without texting them first to ask if they want to Facetime.
3. Don’t reply with “K.”
4. “Ur” is no longer acceptable now that we’re all old enough to drive.
5. “Lol” has a different meaning for different ages. It no longer literally means “I laughed out loud.” It is more often used as a suggestion for the other person to laugh, or as the final word in a text exchange.
6. Even “literally” doesn’t mean literally anymore. A Facebook friend posted recently, “I literally almost lost my sh*t on these people Ughh!!” When I commented, “Gross,” I didn’t get any of the following:
7. Ha vs. Haha vs. Hahaha. “Ha” isn’t taken as a laugh. “Haha” isn’t what it used to be either. If you want to express that you’ve laughed out loud, go with “Hahaha!!” or “Hahahaha!!” (at least until it’s expanded to “Hahahahaha!!”)
8. Do not reply to a text with a phone call unless you’re driving. When you call, apologize for calling and say that you’re driving.
9. If you’re Facebook messaged, reply using Facebook. Twitter, IG, LinkedIn, same.
10. Don’t make assumptions about why someone hasn’t responded quickly to your text. Every minute you spend wondering why someone didn’t reply to your text right away is a minute of your life wasted.
11. Don’t ask your friend why they think someone hasn’t replied to your text. They will say, “They probably just…” then give you 1 of 8 million reasons it could be. And you’ve selfishly wasted a minute of their life too.
12. Not everyone gets notifications on their phone. I don’t (and don’t understand why anyone would) with the exception of WhatsApp. I don’t even get text message notifications (Lady O & I use WhatsApp). Don’t feel disrespected if someone doesn’t reply to you within 20 minutes. It’s impossible to do deep work with constant distractions.
13. Instant Messenger and open concept workspaces are terrible ideas. Both are productivity killers. Don’t use IM during the workday unless forced. You won’t do good work if you’re distracted all day.
14. If you’re emailed, respond with email.
15. The email that gets the best response rate has “Thank you” in the subject line. You’re welcome.
16. If you start an email with, “Hi John,” and get a response, salutations in subsequent emails of the same correspondence aren’t needed.
17. Don’t start a text exchange with: “What’s up?,” “Sup,” or “Hi.” You’re putting the onus on the other person to begin a dialogue. Text what you want to say.
18. Your voicemail is unlikely to be heard, or even noticed. People get so many junk calls nowadays that they don’t pay attention to phone calls. If your name isn’t already in their phone, there is a near 0% chance they will answer your call.
19. A straight single woman should post selfies only sparingly. A woman in a relationship or marriage who posts too many selfies is looking for attention elsewhere.
20. A straight single man should only post a selfie if it’s funny, or he wants proof that he’s been somewhere. A man in a relationship or marriage who posts too many selfies should have better things to do.
21. Never read a text aloud with the emotion you assume the other person has when they texted you. If you catch yourself doing this, stop and start over [without the emotion].
22. If someone asks multiple questions in a text, don’t choose one question to answer; answer each question with separate small paragraphs.
23. If someone texts you multiple thoughts in one text, don’t pick one part to respond to. For example, “Hey Brenda your new hairdo looks nappy. Wish you could’ve gone to the zoo with us. Little Billy rode the giraffe. It was fun. Did you decide to go on that date with Mr. Handsome?” The proper response is not, “My hair ain’t nappy. Shame on you. Your hair is nappy girl!!” Reply to each part of the text regardless of how much you don’t like one part.
24. If you’re a man in the dating world, always assume your texts will be screenshot. Have fun with it.
25. If you don’t get a reply to your text, it’s ok to try them once more. But don’t ask if they received your text. They did.
26. If you get no reply to a second consecutive text, don’t text again. If it upsets you that they didn’t reply, your lesson is to carefully consider whether it will upset you if someone doesn’t reply to your text before sending it.
27. I once dated a girl who never sent me an emoji or a smiley. Ladies, emojis are good. They can be used to accentuate your femininity and be flirtatious. Guys, use only sparingly.  
28. It is estimated only 5% of our Facebook friends see our posts. Now that you know this, stop asking if your friends are seeing your posts.
29. If you text a question without using a question mark, the odds of getting an answer to your supposed question go way down.
30. Humans can read much faster than they can listen. If you’re in a text dialogue with someone, and you’re sending audio messages because it’s more convenient for you, consider whether it’s convenient for the other person (it probably isn’t).
31. If you start a text conversation with, “How are you?” don’t expect more than “Good.” Formulate better questions to get better responses. Put in effort, get effort back.
32. Don’t text and drive.
33. If you’re using your phone in the left lane, you deserve to be pulled over, rear-ended, or bitten by a shark. I don’t make the rules.
34. Don’t complain about not getting “likes” or comments on social media. If you want more “likes” and comments, here are some suggestions:

• Engage other peoples’ posts / pictures more
• Get engaged
• Reproduce
• See people in person (the odds of someone “liking” or commenting on your posts go way up if you’ve seen them recently)
• Move to a small town (you will see more people in person)

Translating Texts

1. If someone texts you, “I will try…” don’t expect much effort.
2. If someone texts you, “I definitely want to…” they definitely won’t.
3. If someone texts you, “We should X sometime…” but they didn’t ask you to do X, the proper response is: “We should” or “Sounds good.”
4. If you invite someone to do something and they text you, “I will let you know,” without a day/time they will let you know by, they probably won’t let you know until after that something has passed, if at all.
5. If someone starts a text with, “Honestly…” either doubt what follows, or every text preceding it.

What did I miss haha?